The Polyamorous Experience as a Woman
- Kaylee Dupuis
- Jun 22
- 7 min read
Stigma, Judgement, & Sexualization
Kaylee Dupuis
Most people wouldn’t expect me to tell them I have two partners, let alone two men who have agreed to be in a relationship with me. Most people who learn about my love life and my ‘lifestyle’ meet me with questions of curiosity and confusion.
“How does it work?” “Are they together too?” “Do they know about each other?” “Are they okay with it?”
I would say this is a completely normal reaction to learning about such a foreign concept in our monogamous, centralized America, with ideas focused on one man and one woman being together. Not to mention the other normalized ideas and stigma about what polyamory is. Visions of open relationships and the jealousy that accompanies it, couples swinging with other couples, or an idea of a man or woman having as much sex as they want with strangers and estranged lovers. But a woman with two men? Are those guys okay with it? How do they even make it work?
My partners and I have also been faced with more hateful questions, accusations, and stigma surrounding assumptions based on our relationship. For me, close friends and family have told me that I will ruin my relationship with both of them, ask me if I’m some sexual freak, or express that it is never going to work out in the long run. For my partners, they have had people express that “I would never let my girlfriend do that”, “You are such a cuck”, and “I don’t think you should be with her”.
With the backlash that my partners and I have faced simply due to our relationship dynamic, I want to help educate people on what exactly polyamory is, the statistics surrounding monogamy and polyamory, the stigma, and how the sexualization of women impacts society’s view on polyamorous relationships and ethical non-monogamy as a whole.
What is Polyamory & Ethical/Consensual Non-monogamy
Polyamory translates to “many loves”, from Greek and Latin roots respectively, and is used under the umbrella of Ethical Non-monogamy (ENM)/Consensual Non-monogamy(CNM). The Kinsey Institute defines CNM as “any kind of relationship where all partners agree that each may have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with other people.” Under this definition, relationships such as swinging, open relationships, and polyamory are all CNM/ENM if all parties consent to be a part of it. A misconception I’ve seen is that people correlate polyamory with cheating or not being able to hold a stable relationship, which based on what we know about Consensual Non-monogamy, is completely false. Polyamory requires full communication with all partners, consent from everyone involved, and respect. No one should be forced into a situation they are uncomfortable with or don’t fully consent to, if they are, however, that is not ethical or consensual non-monogamy.
Types of Polyamory
There are four different types of polyamorous relationships that can also be put into subgroups that define the type of dynamic that is being shared amongst partners.
Hierarchical Polyamory: individuals who prioritize certain relationships over others
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory: all partners are considered equal, and no single relationship holds more worth than the other
Solo Polyamory: a person who does not seek out a commitment to one partner and prioritizes their autonomy
Polyfidelity: sexual and romantic exclusivity in a group of more than two
These types of relationships then come into form with the real-life dynamics that form with the partners.
Triads & Quads: A relationship in which all three/four partners share a romantic and/or sexual relationship
Vees: A relationship where one person is romantically and/or sexually connected with two partners, but those two partners aren’t with each other
Polycules: Multiple relationships that can intertwine or span out between multiple partners
Swinging: Usually refers to couples who engage sexually with other couples or individuals
Open relationships: A partner or partners who allow the other/each other to have sexual and sometimes romantic interests in other people; there are usually rules set by the primary couple
Now that we have defined polyamory and what these relationships mean, I would like to give a real-life example with my relationships. I would categorize my dynamic with my partners as non-hierarchical vee polyamory. I treat both of my partners equally and don’t prioritize one over the other, but they are not romantic or sexual with each other.
The Statistics vs Societal Outlook
While doing research for this blog I came across an interesting statistic. Although most people would think polyamory isn’t very common you would be surprised. Dr. Amy Moors and Kinsey Institute researchers in a 2021 survey found 1 in 6 people would like to engage in a polyamorous relationship and 1 in 9 people have been in a polyamorous relationship at some point throughout their lives, this also includes swinging and open relationships. To give a perspective on how common these types of relationships are, 1 in 6 people in the U.S. have a cat, and 1 in 9 people have earned a graduate degree in the U.S.
So with this staggering commonality then why did Dr.Moors also find that only 14% of people respect those in a polyamorous relationship? I believe this may be due to many aspects including but not limited to cheating culture, the ideal of monogamy in America, and the stereotype that polyamory is only about sex and nothing more. With this, I believe other societal outlooks affect the view of polyamory which includes the sexualization and objectification of women. Although I would like to note that other dynamics may not involve women and may only include men, transgender, or nonbinary partners, I still think it’s important to address how this sexualization of women is affecting those in polyamorous relationships and outsiders' perspectives of those in polyamorous relationships.
The Objectification and Sexualization of Women and its Impact on Polyamorous Relationships
It’s an open secret that women across the world have been sexualized, objectified, and put into a position of lust that men aren’t in, but what does this have to do with polyamory? The Open Source Psychometrics Project found in a 2015 survey of 5,043 respondents that men are more likely to be polyamorous compared to women. 8.9% of the male group identified as polyamorous while the female group only made up 4.9%. With this statistic, I would say that when people think of someone wanting a polyamorous relationship a man would probably come to mind. This also brings in the question of sex as the Psychology Today article ‘How Many People Actually Watch Porn’ found that 79.96% of Porn Hub users were men and as of 2024 Porn Hub revealed that some of the most searched terms include but aren’t limited to lesbian, threesome, and gangbang. This innate sexualization is deeply rooted within men of today and causes society to view women in these sexualized ideas when it comes to being with multiple partners. I believe this pushes the notion that when people think of polyamorous relationships it is focused on the man gaining pleasure from the woman, not the idea of having a healthy relationship with multiple partners outside of sex. However, when the roles are reversed and the focus is on the woman it is viewed as something not right, that this woman is being promiscuous for being intimate with multiple men but that same standard isn’t put to men. Or that if the man is involved in a relationship like that they are being sexually inferior and allowing another man to ‘‘have their woman’’. Even outside of a purely sexual outlook when you think of someone with multiple partners, such as in Mormonism with polygamy, it is almost always focused on one man being with multiple women. So this challenges the ideals of what most people think of a stereotypical dynamic involving multiple partners. People expect it to be inherently sexual and the man to be gaining sexual pleasure from the women involved.
So How Do We Normalize Polyamory?
Simply, we can't normalize an untraditional relationship overnight. It’s impossible to shift a whole nation's view on something, just look at the racism and homophobia of today. There have been vast strides but there is still a long way to go before everyone is equal in all regards. Ignorance, misinformation, and bias will always be a part of human nature but we must educate, inform, and try to represent these minority groups to gain respect and understanding from the general population.
So what are some things we can do to help polyamory become more recognized and respected?
Educate yourself and others on what polyamory/CNM/ENM is
Don’t judge those for simply being in a polyamorous relationship
Destigmatize that polyamory is only about sex
Recognize that polyamorous relationships can be just as healthy as and function as monogamous relationships
Be respectful of those in polyamorous relationships
I hope this blog has helped educate you on something you may not have been familiar with or given you better insight into polyamorous relationships and how it affects women specifically. Overall I’m grateful for the support I’ve received in my community when it comes to being with my partners but that doesn’t come without trial and tribulation. I simply want people to be more educated on something that is a big part of my life and certainly a big part of other polyamorous folks' lives as well. We want to be seen and we want to be respected.
References
Institute, K. (2022, June 17). Polyamory and consensual non-monogamy in the US. Kinsey Institute Blog. https://blogs.iu.edu/kinseyinstitute/2022/06/17/polyamory-and-consensual-non-monogamy-in-the-us/
Ellwood, B. (2022, October 14). Despite the negative stigma, polyamorous relationships are more common than we think. PsyPost. https://www.psypost.org/despite-the-negative-stigma-polyamorous-relationships-are-more-common-than-we-think/
PolyAuthor. (2024, April 17). The different types of polyamorous relationships. Find Poly. https://findpoly.com/blog/types-of-polyamorous-relationships/
McNichols, N. K. (2023, September 25). How many people actually watch porn?. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyone-on-top/202309/how-much-porn-do-americans-really-watch?msockid=2468ba2495e56f2f16e3a9b394f26e2d
Court, A. (2024, December 11). Pornhub reveals top searches for 2024 - and this “less complicated” kink is popular now. New York Post. https://nypost.com/2024/12/11/lifestyle/pornhub-reveals-top-searches-for-2024-less-complicated-and-meaningful/
I feel like this is more common then people think. I was raised with a mother and 2 father figures. No it wasn’t some phase or kink. My mother and papa and dad were together until my papa passed in 2015 and my mother and dad are still together. We all lived together under one roof. My whole life. Many kids at school judged and even worse, the parents! My mother explained it to me by saying “I love your papa and I love your dad both the same.” She told me when she met my papa her heart didn’t split into 2 pieces go give them both. That would take some love away from one to give the other…
This was actually really informative & eye opening!Question for the author: What’s one thing you wish more people would ask, and not assume, about women in poly relationships?